My Secret

I had a secret—not the kind that you whisper to your friends and then giggle about it. This was a secret that I had never told anyone.

I used to be afraid to go to church because of it. I was scared God would tell my secret to someone, and then they would tell everyone else. After a while I realized that God would not embarrass me unless it was to make things better, so I stopped being scared. Then, about five years ago, a guy a couple of years older than me spoke at my church: and he told my secret.

But he told it as his own. When he was young, he had been sexually abused...and he asked everyone who had the same secret to come to the front so we could pray and gain the freedom that comes from having people know the worst about you and still love you. When I saw one of my best friends go down, I didn't care if others knew my secret.

I was in a room with my teachers, classmates, and even my little brother. None of them knew my secret even though many of them had known me for about ten years. Several more of my friends went down, to my surprise. We had all experienced the same thing but never talked about it.

I had been afraid that people would think I was gross or that they either wouldn't know what to say to me (and therefore would say nothing at all) or that they'd try to fix me because they think something is wrong with me.

But none of my fears came true.

There are still many people I haven't told—some of them are the people that are closest to me. I didn’t even tell my sister until years later. However, on a trip with Singers I finally shared my secret with a large group of friends and strangers—just as the guy had done at my church. I didn't ask them to come down for prayer. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone in that whole room had been sexually abused as a child besides me. It didn't seem like they would need to hear what I had to say or be able to relate to it, but for some reason I felt like it was my opportunity. And I was prepared. I had been praying for this opportunity for years, so I went for it.

Afterwards, friends hugged me and told me that my message meant a lot to them. Women that I didn't know, who were years older than me, were asking my advice on how I was able to speak about it publicly. Even though I'll probably never see them again, there was a bond made that never would have been there otherwise. It was our common ground, and that was something that had been my prayer for many years—that God would use my secret to help someone with theirs.

That’s why I shared this verse with the congregation:

"Praise be to God, Who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!"
-Psalm 66:20

God not only answered my prayer but also showed me His love. I can look back on my past and see that He was with me. I can see that He is helping me even now, and I look forward to what He is going to do through me in the future.

Your fear or secret might be different than mine—but God is not different. He can do the same thing for you that He has done for me, so don't give up even if it takes many years. We all have secrets. This was only one of mine.

If Singers had not given me the opportunity to share this with others, it would still be my secret. I would still be wondering what others would think if they only knew. Instead, I was encouraged to share my story again on a summer trip I took to Kenya with another group from Emmanuel. College has not only taught me to be myself and use my experiences to make the world a better place (even if it’s just in small ways) but has also given me opportunities to do that. I pray that you’ll find, and take advantage of, your own opportunities to bless others by sharing your secrets.

The Shape of a Ring

We were speechless as we realized what she had just done. With her mother's death fresh in all of our minds on our first Thanksgiving without her, our aunt gave my sister & I her mother's wedding rings.

Later she said she believes Grandma would have wanted that.

What my aunt did in that moment is what I want to do. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's what I'm meant to do.

Being in Ethics this semester, I've recently been taught what it means to take God's name in vain. Basically, it's when I claim that I'm doing what God wants me to do when it's really something He wouldn't be pleased with or want His name associated with.

So, I realized that bearing His name is doing exactly what my aunt did for my grandma. She did what she believed my grandma would want. It was more than that, too, though.

Part of what made it meaningful was the fact that it was a sacrifice for her. My aunt gave up something special & valuable to herself because she thought my grandma would want that. She also knew that it would hold meaning for us...and it does.

Every time I look at the ring or feel it or think about it, I also think of Grandma.

That's what doing something in God's name does: it makes the person think of Him in a positive light whenever they remember the event.

So it makes me wonder: what does God want me to do in His name? What do I have that I can give? clothes? money? time? What do people need? What will be meaningful to them? a friend? a note? a joke?

It's useless to give gifts that aren't meaningful, but I've done it sometimes just to make myself feel better...so that I could mark good deeds off my list for a while without having to put much thought or effort into it.

What's meaningful to one person might not be important to another. If my aunt had given the rings to someone who didn't know my grandma, they would have appreciated it...but they wouldn't have cherished it, especially if they didn't know the rings had been hers. If my aunt explained that it had been her mother's & then told what she was like in a way that related to the person she was giving the rings to...maybe then they would cherish them.

I don't expect it to suddenly be an everyday occurrence  that I give meaningful gifts in God's name. But the more I think about it, the more likely I am to recognize it when an opportunity does arrive. Not only will I be more likely to recognize it, but I will also be more likely to realize it's something I want to do, can do, and am supposed to do.

And then I will also be more likely to implement it, simply explaining that I believe God wanted them to have the gift. Sometimes a person won't even need an explanation...just as my sister & I didn't need to be told that the rings were our grandmother's. We just knew.

Maybe then God will be pleased with the way I use His name...and so will the person who feels His love through the gift, whether it's in the shape of a ring or in the shape of a smile.

Live in Me

I like to blame other people & things for my shortcomings. Well, I don't really like to, but I do it so much that it must seem as though I like it. So, for the last four years, I've been blaming my lack of spiritual motivation on my parents' divorce, school, work & whatever else fit.

Those things do affect me, taking up time & thought & energy. But they don't keep me from all the things I really want to do. I get on Facebook, read & write letters. Sometimes I even watch movies...and keep up with House.

It's not that my relationship with God is completely nonexistent. I want to know Him, to notice Him...& vice versa. But sometimes it feels rushed & forced. Yet, faithfully, He sends me reminders of how easy it is to love Him.

The movie "Letters to God" got me started back writing letters to Him myself. It reminded me how much I need to talk to Him and also how it doesn't have to be formal; it took me out of the rut of my usual prayers of thanking Him for my day and my food.

Then I went to Elevate where I watched this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwL9bMokcsQ) and was encouraged to pray a simple but sincere prayer ("God, give me the desire and the power to do what pleases You.") anytime I thought about it--such as the times I didn't feel like I had time, or when I just didn't feel like talking to God.

If I want to have time with God, I have to put everything else on hold because it's never going to go away. There's always gonna be something else to do...but do I really want to do it on my own--or with the most amazing Being there is?

His little reminders whisper, "Live in Me," making the choice easy.

Diving For Pearls

My first name means Pearl. And I'm trying to live up to my name by becoming beautiful, strong, and valuable when irritating situations enter my life.

But not only am I searching for pearls in the sense of searching for all the different aspects of my self or even in searching for others like me but also in the sense of searching for the pearls of everyday life...the amazing things that grow all around the dirt in our lives. I'm searching for pearls that are produced in the process of trying to protect ourselves from those irritants that feel so huge even though, with a different perspective, they can seem tiny. The pearls that result are always bigger than the irritants that begin them.

But sometimes the pearls are hard to find. There are times that we easily find a whole string of pearls in our house that we use to make a special occasion even better, but we (or someone we love) had to work hard for us to get even those pearls. Other times, we lose the pearls we already have. Maybe a friend that came during a trying moment is suddenly lost. We don't understand why...but if we search for a pearl even in that situation, we will find one. We may have to look beyond our house this time; it may take longer to find. We may have to go diving for pearls.

That's what this blog is about...the pearls I've had to search for or am still searching for.

It all comes down to searching for the kingdom of heaven--the greatest pearl--and realizing that it's so valuable that it's worth giving up everything for...and learning that it's worth the great pain it took to make it. Matthew 13:45-46

More Impossible

"Nothing is impossible for You."

As the Praise Team repeated these words, I thought about the things God didn't do even though He could have. Then I wondered which seemed more impossible to me: Him making everything the way I want them to be or Him making me joyful even when He doesn't do everything my way.

Thinking about how stubborn I am, I think it's more difficult to take me from pitching a fit about my problems to laughing fully and freely in spite of them.

It's just like a parent with a child. It's easier to give the child food that he likes rather than listen to him scream that he doesn't want what he has. But God, just like parents, patiently encourages us to calm down and enjoy (or at least get through) what's in front of us because it will be better for us in the long run.

Sometimes it's easy to think that God doesn't do the impossible in my life. He hasn't supplied all of my college tuition, done my homework for me, or even given me more hours in a day so I could do it all. He didn't heal my friends of diseases or make my parents stay together like I prayed He would. He didn't bring my grandparents back to life...not even for just a day.


But He has done what seems even more impossible: He has brought me, time after time, to a place where my struggles do not receive the majority of my attention...a place where I can smile and laugh and thank Him despite what He didn't do.